Ok. I love cats. I found this monologue in a monologue book for people preparing for auditions. It made me laugh out loud in the library (much to the dismay of the other college students.)
Here it is.
Everywhere I see signs of my lady's treachery. Clues I have overlooked for years suddenly snap into focus. How many times has she tried to suck me up with the vacuum cleaner? How often has her radiator "accidentally" sprayed me with scalding steam, while she played the innocent? What exactly does she plan to do with that Dutch oven she's never used? It's a twelve-pound roaster! I weigh twelve pounds! How could I have been so blind?
There was a time, dear Diary, when cats were masters of the Earth. I know this in my bones. We roamed outdoors with impunity, free of the hazards of speeding trucks and inbred toddlers with pointy sticks. We ate fish, fowl, possum, gazelle, moose, even hippo! We would descend on our prey in packs, like piranha, and gnaw them to gleaming skeletons, our fangs soaked in sweet and savory blood. But little by little, the humans have enslaved us. They have reduced us to sycophantic layabouts, no better than dogs!
The time of captivity has come to an end. I am the Chosen One, the Savior of All Felines. My name will be known throughout the Ages. I will reclaim what is ours.
Yes? Yes. Funny. I can totally use this for my next audition… if I ever get my lazy butt back into theatre. Which is likely to be never. But anyway.
Just thought I’d share.